5 years!

Last time I wrote on this blog was 5 years ago. It's insane. I am amazed, blessed, and overjoyed to still be here.
Where do I begin to pick up from 5 years ago? Here is the quick version:
Still fighting cancer, still married, still saving dogs, still traveling, still loving God, still learning, still growing.
Guess that wraps it up. I could go on and on about having brain radiation, or taking a different chemo regimen every 4-6 months, or losing all my hair 3 more times in addition to the 2 times when I started this journey, or even waxing poetic about all the spiritual growth I have made. But, I won't go into all that. A mere mention is enough. I know where I have been and the details aren't important. From this point on, I will detail more. Of course only if it's interesting, happy, sad, or just whacked out.
What am I dealing with this very moment? As in,what's itching me? It would have to be the fact that I am living in 95 degree weather, 100% humidity daily, and I have no hair. It downright sucks. I have been wearing knitted caps with air holes for ventilation. Bandanas are t00hot, as they trap in heat. Forget wigs. And I hate baseball caps. I am waaay too girlie for those.
I just feel so insecure having no hair. Living in one of the vanest cities in the world, where women have hair down to their butts well into their 40's, is tough. as of now I still have a speckle of hair surrounding my face, so if I wear a beret, I can get away with not looking totally bald. I just look like I am trying to be French. Which I guess is ok. There are worse things to emulate. Like, women in their 40's with hair to their butts trying to look like they are in their 20's. Still, I remain jealous. Envious. Whatever. I just want my hair back!!!!
What else? I have new growths of lymph node tumors growing in my axilla (armpit) and neck regions. Not sure about the internal ones, but I bet they aren't any better. I will have a full body scan (PET) soon to see what's up. I sense a change in treatment YET AGAIN!!!!
Going to NY next week. Looking forward to going "home". Seeing Alina in her new apartment and meeting her new boyfriend will be very cool. My "sister from another mister" is growing up! LOL
No huge rambles for now. Trust me there will be more!

17 Mile Scenic Drive in Monterey California

Could this be more perfect? A glass of wine in one hand and the Pacific Ocean in the the background. Life is good indeed!

Hanging out on Pebble Beach. The view was just incredible.

Me, Derek, Ken, and Elsie at Julius Castle restaurant.

Abby, Abe, and Me in Carmel.

After summer

Here comes fall and winter and I just can't wait! For one, the weather won't be so stifling hot. Another, I get to go back to one of my favorite places on earth, KEY WEST! The pictures I posted were from last week and my jaunt to lovely San Francisco. This time, however, we decided to travel to other spots in Northern California, namely wine country and the Monterey coast. The beauty was astounding! The food, incredible as always.
Needless to say, from the pictures, it's evident I lost even more weight. 20 more to be exact, which brings the grand total to 35 shed! It was an accomplishment to say the least. Of course, being a woman, I'd still like to lose more. But, then I would have had to deny myself that sundae at Ghirardelli, and THAT was NOT happening. Not to mention the other food, wine, and dessert that took place this weekend. I did do a lot of walking (uphill) so that made me less guilty!
I enjoyed everything about my trip, even the flight out there was something of an experience!
Have to say I am enjoying traveling a WHOLE LOT!

As far as my day to day, I live between the scans and tests. I had some rough times leading up to San Fran. I was hospitalized for almost 5 days with some unknown fever and chest pain. It was probably a virus. All scans show improvment, so Navelbine has been very very good to me. I think I'll be safe from scans until after the holidays, God willing.
The dogs have been my focus. In the pictures there are 4 Min Pins. Java was the first, the LuLu. I still have Nikki and Georgie, who are mother and son. They are simply the best dogs! Most likely the will both be adopted (by separate families) this week. Then it's onto the next one! It makes me feel like I have a purpose. That's been my goal lately; to figure out what the heck I am doing here!
Until next time!

Some of my friends!

Patience

Nikki

Georgie

Java

My babies Peanut, Pepe, and Meep

June 2005

Well, it's been a few months. So, I am on Navelbine and it's kicking my butt all over the place. Hopefully, it's doing the same to the cancer. I just feel so tired all the time and I hate it. I push myself and make myself do things to feel "normal", but what is normal anyway?

I finally lost those unwanted pounds. I am not exactly where I'd like to be, but it's a lot better than I was. I will post some before and after pics to demonstrate!

Losing another sister to this damned disease never gets easier. Kristen was a beautiful, young mom and she didn't deserve what happened to her. I just can't understand life. I guess it's not for us to figure out, but I DO want answers at SOME point. I am so sorry for Kristen's family and moreso to Kristen who had her life cut short. She will be sadly missed.

For now, that is all.

Lisa

Catching up

Well it's been a while. Gaby finally lost (won) her battle on Dec 26th. I prayed she'd have one more Christmas and that prayer was answered. It was a difficult time for her family I am sure. I miss her smiling face at treatments.

As for me, I am just going through the motions of life. Some days and good, some bad, some great, some downright shitty. I find myself stuck in a life where there is no real future. I say this because I cannot have kids. I know it may sound ridiculous to some, but to me it is the reason we are here: to make more of us. I have failed in that mission, so I don't know what that makes me? A loser in the game of life? A non-person? It bothers me that my genes die with me. No one to carry on the legacy. What legacy? I have no idea, but I guess it's a legacy of hope. The hope that one day someone who shares your DNA will do something great for the world. I didn't so maybe my genes will, sort of thinking. I won't have that chance and neither will my parents. My grandparents still have some genes floating around being copied and soforth, so it's not a total loss. I am the loss to me and my parents. I know they'd be pretty upset with me having written this and moreso believing what I am writing. I am sorry if they feel as much pain reading it as I do writing it.
Derek on the other hand still has a shot. I don't feel bad for him. He can still multiply well into his 70's, so that gives him plenty of time. The one thing I DO feel bad about is that he won't be a "dad" at a time in his life when he should be. I'd hate for him to be in his 60's as a new dad trying to put training wheels on a bike. It seems too Hollywood! Like Jack Nicholson, or even worse the late Tony Randall.
I will try to stay off the baby-talk. I mean at some point I am going to have to give it a rest.
So I have a few things to look forward to. I will be in another fashion show for Breast Cancer Awareness. It's called the "Day of Caring". I hope I'll be healthy and thin!
Anne Marie's surprise 35th birthday party and Spiro's wedding will bring me to NY. I'll get to meet the lovely ladies I chat with online. So, it will be an action packed 2 months (May and June).
I am on a diet for these 3 events. The fashion show is April 30th, wedding May 15th, and Anne Marie's party June 11th. I should be at my goal weight for May as long as I keep it up! So far I lost 14lbs. Now, just another 20 and I am good to go! It's nice to fit into my "fat clothes" again. I was into "super fat" clothes in January. I hit a whopping 180 at Christmas and thought OK THATS FUCKING IT!
I am now 164 and dropping. 135-40 would be amazingly glorious! I haven't been that weight since my wedding 5 yrs ago. Which brings me to Derek....
In 2 weeks I will be married 5 yrs. WOW, me? Married? 5 yrs? I almost have to pinch myself. Life as a married woman has it's challenges. Can't say I would be happier any other way! We have our issues, I won't write them in case someone is reading that shouldn't be, but let's say he has to STEP IT UP! I know I am looking better and feeling more confident in my body, so we'll see if things heat up.
I can only hope, they can't cool down any more or else we'll be saintly!
I guess that wraps up my wonderfully exciting, amazing, full life. HA!
I need to find a hobby a cause or both, life is too short, especially for me....

Until next time....

Various Rants

It's 5:19 am and I am up, with some thoughts.

I found myself on the Martha Stewart website where she posts from jail (nice jail where you can use the Internet!). Don't ask how or why I was there, must have been some thread I was following. Anyway, I read some of the posts on her message board and I was amazed. I was amazed at the utter and sheer stupidity of people. I thought I have seen and read it all. These losers are a special type. They actually feel sorry for "poor Martha" and send their love and prayers to her. They pour out their hearts to her and tell her how sad, upset, annoyed, frustrated, and angry that she is in jail. They send their love and prayers to Martha. They say it's so unfair for her to be in jail. ARE THEY FUCKING FOR REAL? These pathetic wastes of human bodies are at the top of my "Fuck you at Chrsitmastime" list. Have they NO idea what is going on in the world. FAIR????? Let's talk fair. First of all, there are 19 year old boys dying in the Middle East FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Viet Nam is happening in the 21st century, and THEY ARE PRAYING FOR MARTHA. Children are starving (STILL), people are dying of cancer, AIDS, drunk drivers, random shootings, and beheadings. People are being raped and tortured, BUT THEY PRAY FOR MARTHA!!!!! It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs in a crowded mall during the "Christmas Rush" in front of people scurrying around to find that perfect gift for their fucking cocker spaniel. (OK I am guilty of buying shit for my dogs, too) But when you think about so many horrors happening as I am typing this, it makes you ashamed to be caught up in all the bullshit in our short, ridiculous existances. There are REAL problems in this world that I cannot even begin to think about let alone solve. I am battling cancer and that's pretty much all I think about. But, it does make me more sensitive to the plights of others who suffer similar diagnoses and those who are worse off. I can at least be comfortable in my lifestyle even with this heinous disease that robs me everyday of the things I want out of life. I pray for the world that one day people everywhere will realize what life is really all about. AND IT'S NOT MARTHA FUCKING STEWART!!!!

OK moving on....

I am worried that my anti-depressants are working too well. I say this because I missed a dose today. Just one dose. I haven't cried in months, I haven't felt bad about anything. I haven't even mourned the deaths of my 3 friends. But, tonight I feel pain, sadness, and mourning. Hence, my 5am rant. I can't believe one pill a day has not only deadened my depression but my entire emotional self. Now, the problem is, if I go off this medication I will feel pain, sadness, and mourning every minute of every day. But, I don't like NEVER feeling those feelings. I have to remain on it, but damn it felt good to FEEL again.

One more thing....

Mostly I write this for myself but I don't know who might get ahold of my rantings one day. I just want to convey my thoughts while another close friend of mine who is losing her battle with breast cancer. I stand corrected, Gaby would never say she "lost", since she will be with the Lord, and that's a win in anyones book. I wrote this to her parents in an email this past weekend:

Gianna and Fabio,

Thank you for your email. It touched me in a way that has inspired me to tell you how I feel about Gaby.

I was instantly drawn to your daughter the first time we met. Not only because we were two young women fighting breast cancer, but because of her contagious smile and soft, delicate, angel-like qualities. Through the years of knowing her she has inspired me. By her example, I want to be a better Christian and a better person. The Lord made Gaby special and everyone who meets her instantly knows it. She is a beautiful person inside and out. There are not enough words to describe how loved she is by all who meet her. I know I am a better person for having known her. I am grieving and hurting so much for you and for Gaby. I want so much for her to just be alright. I want that for both of us. It has been so difficult for me to lose friends I have made through my years as a survivor. I cannot understand why God chooses some and not others. For me, I wonder when my time will come and how much longer I can hold on. I do know that it becomes so much harder to fight after losing my close friends. And Gaby is surely one of them. I know she would want me to continue and keep fighting, so from now on I will do it for her. I will treasure her in my heart and honor her with my fight. I pray for her safe return to the Lord who loves her even more than we do.

Love and Christmas blessings,
Lisa

That email doesn't even convey in the slightest what a special woman Gaby is. I have never met a more dedicated and devout Christian womanin my life (and not the kind that shoves religion down your throat) . She wasn't a "bible beater" or "Jesus freak" as some may envision when I say "devout" Christian. She was the kind that led by example. Just to be around her gave you a peace and comfort that I can't deccribe. You'd just have to meet her. And I was lucky enough to have that privelege. Thank you Gaby for being my friend and showing the world that there is GOOD on this miserable planet where people pray for Martha Stewart and believe that SHE was treated unfairly. Let them know my friend Gaby and they will understand the meaning of the word "UNFAIR".

Goodnight! Or shall I say Good Morning!