Various Rants

It's 5:19 am and I am up, with some thoughts.

I found myself on the Martha Stewart website where she posts from jail (nice jail where you can use the Internet!). Don't ask how or why I was there, must have been some thread I was following. Anyway, I read some of the posts on her message board and I was amazed. I was amazed at the utter and sheer stupidity of people. I thought I have seen and read it all. These losers are a special type. They actually feel sorry for "poor Martha" and send their love and prayers to her. They pour out their hearts to her and tell her how sad, upset, annoyed, frustrated, and angry that she is in jail. They send their love and prayers to Martha. They say it's so unfair for her to be in jail. ARE THEY FUCKING FOR REAL? These pathetic wastes of human bodies are at the top of my "Fuck you at Chrsitmastime" list. Have they NO idea what is going on in the world. FAIR????? Let's talk fair. First of all, there are 19 year old boys dying in the Middle East FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Viet Nam is happening in the 21st century, and THEY ARE PRAYING FOR MARTHA. Children are starving (STILL), people are dying of cancer, AIDS, drunk drivers, random shootings, and beheadings. People are being raped and tortured, BUT THEY PRAY FOR MARTHA!!!!! It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs in a crowded mall during the "Christmas Rush" in front of people scurrying around to find that perfect gift for their fucking cocker spaniel. (OK I am guilty of buying shit for my dogs, too) But when you think about so many horrors happening as I am typing this, it makes you ashamed to be caught up in all the bullshit in our short, ridiculous existances. There are REAL problems in this world that I cannot even begin to think about let alone solve. I am battling cancer and that's pretty much all I think about. But, it does make me more sensitive to the plights of others who suffer similar diagnoses and those who are worse off. I can at least be comfortable in my lifestyle even with this heinous disease that robs me everyday of the things I want out of life. I pray for the world that one day people everywhere will realize what life is really all about. AND IT'S NOT MARTHA FUCKING STEWART!!!!

OK moving on....

I am worried that my anti-depressants are working too well. I say this because I missed a dose today. Just one dose. I haven't cried in months, I haven't felt bad about anything. I haven't even mourned the deaths of my 3 friends. But, tonight I feel pain, sadness, and mourning. Hence, my 5am rant. I can't believe one pill a day has not only deadened my depression but my entire emotional self. Now, the problem is, if I go off this medication I will feel pain, sadness, and mourning every minute of every day. But, I don't like NEVER feeling those feelings. I have to remain on it, but damn it felt good to FEEL again.

One more thing....

Mostly I write this for myself but I don't know who might get ahold of my rantings one day. I just want to convey my thoughts while another close friend of mine who is losing her battle with breast cancer. I stand corrected, Gaby would never say she "lost", since she will be with the Lord, and that's a win in anyones book. I wrote this to her parents in an email this past weekend:

Gianna and Fabio,

Thank you for your email. It touched me in a way that has inspired me to tell you how I feel about Gaby.

I was instantly drawn to your daughter the first time we met. Not only because we were two young women fighting breast cancer, but because of her contagious smile and soft, delicate, angel-like qualities. Through the years of knowing her she has inspired me. By her example, I want to be a better Christian and a better person. The Lord made Gaby special and everyone who meets her instantly knows it. She is a beautiful person inside and out. There are not enough words to describe how loved she is by all who meet her. I know I am a better person for having known her. I am grieving and hurting so much for you and for Gaby. I want so much for her to just be alright. I want that for both of us. It has been so difficult for me to lose friends I have made through my years as a survivor. I cannot understand why God chooses some and not others. For me, I wonder when my time will come and how much longer I can hold on. I do know that it becomes so much harder to fight after losing my close friends. And Gaby is surely one of them. I know she would want me to continue and keep fighting, so from now on I will do it for her. I will treasure her in my heart and honor her with my fight. I pray for her safe return to the Lord who loves her even more than we do.

Love and Christmas blessings,
Lisa

That email doesn't even convey in the slightest what a special woman Gaby is. I have never met a more dedicated and devout Christian womanin my life (and not the kind that shoves religion down your throat) . She wasn't a "bible beater" or "Jesus freak" as some may envision when I say "devout" Christian. She was the kind that led by example. Just to be around her gave you a peace and comfort that I can't deccribe. You'd just have to meet her. And I was lucky enough to have that privelege. Thank you Gaby for being my friend and showing the world that there is GOOD on this miserable planet where people pray for Martha Stewart and believe that SHE was treated unfairly. Let them know my friend Gaby and they will understand the meaning of the word "UNFAIR".

Goodnight! Or shall I say Good Morning!