Catching up

Well it's been a while. Gaby finally lost (won) her battle on Dec 26th. I prayed she'd have one more Christmas and that prayer was answered. It was a difficult time for her family I am sure. I miss her smiling face at treatments.

As for me, I am just going through the motions of life. Some days and good, some bad, some great, some downright shitty. I find myself stuck in a life where there is no real future. I say this because I cannot have kids. I know it may sound ridiculous to some, but to me it is the reason we are here: to make more of us. I have failed in that mission, so I don't know what that makes me? A loser in the game of life? A non-person? It bothers me that my genes die with me. No one to carry on the legacy. What legacy? I have no idea, but I guess it's a legacy of hope. The hope that one day someone who shares your DNA will do something great for the world. I didn't so maybe my genes will, sort of thinking. I won't have that chance and neither will my parents. My grandparents still have some genes floating around being copied and soforth, so it's not a total loss. I am the loss to me and my parents. I know they'd be pretty upset with me having written this and moreso believing what I am writing. I am sorry if they feel as much pain reading it as I do writing it.
Derek on the other hand still has a shot. I don't feel bad for him. He can still multiply well into his 70's, so that gives him plenty of time. The one thing I DO feel bad about is that he won't be a "dad" at a time in his life when he should be. I'd hate for him to be in his 60's as a new dad trying to put training wheels on a bike. It seems too Hollywood! Like Jack Nicholson, or even worse the late Tony Randall.
I will try to stay off the baby-talk. I mean at some point I am going to have to give it a rest.
So I have a few things to look forward to. I will be in another fashion show for Breast Cancer Awareness. It's called the "Day of Caring". I hope I'll be healthy and thin!
Anne Marie's surprise 35th birthday party and Spiro's wedding will bring me to NY. I'll get to meet the lovely ladies I chat with online. So, it will be an action packed 2 months (May and June).
I am on a diet for these 3 events. The fashion show is April 30th, wedding May 15th, and Anne Marie's party June 11th. I should be at my goal weight for May as long as I keep it up! So far I lost 14lbs. Now, just another 20 and I am good to go! It's nice to fit into my "fat clothes" again. I was into "super fat" clothes in January. I hit a whopping 180 at Christmas and thought OK THATS FUCKING IT!
I am now 164 and dropping. 135-40 would be amazingly glorious! I haven't been that weight since my wedding 5 yrs ago. Which brings me to Derek....
In 2 weeks I will be married 5 yrs. WOW, me? Married? 5 yrs? I almost have to pinch myself. Life as a married woman has it's challenges. Can't say I would be happier any other way! We have our issues, I won't write them in case someone is reading that shouldn't be, but let's say he has to STEP IT UP! I know I am looking better and feeling more confident in my body, so we'll see if things heat up.
I can only hope, they can't cool down any more or else we'll be saintly!
I guess that wraps up my wonderfully exciting, amazing, full life. HA!
I need to find a hobby a cause or both, life is too short, especially for me....

Until next time....