Remembering Jenn

It was at the beginning of my breast cancer diagnosis that I met Jenn. We met online in a chatroom for young breast cancer survivors. She contacted me and told me she was a year out from her diagnosis and offered her advice and experiences to guide me through mine. She was one of the first young women I met with breast cancer. Everyone at my doctor's office was ancient. What could I have in common with a 65 yr old woman with children and grandchildren whom I was the same age? Jenn came to me at a time where I really needed encouragement and to not feel alone. We talked all the time online and if I had a question I asked her. When I was depressed, she urged me to get help. Because of her, I went to a psychologist and started taking anti-depressants. If not for that, I wouldn't have had the strength to keep fighting.
With Jenn, it wasn't the breast cancer that kept our friendship alive, it was her. She was a lot like me. Despite her being born and raised in the mid-west and me being a real east coast gal, we hit it off. She had so much spunk and life in her. I was always interested in her latest antics. She told me things about her life and her interests that always kept me wondering, 'what is this girl up to now'????
Over the years we we friends, she came to see me 3 times in Miami. The first time she was still stage II while I was stage IV. I remember her telling me after she became stage IV she didn't know how to deal with my prognosis. If she did have issues dealing, I never saw it. She hid it very well. The second time, she had a second primary in her other breast. The third time, it went everywhere.
After knowing Jenn for so long, I had a feeling she wouldn't be the kind of person to keep fighting and living through what seemed to be a very poor prognosis. Luckily, I was wrong. She surprised everyone with her will and her spirit to live. She became the strongest woman I have seen in the face of this beast. Despite having metastasis in her brain with over 100 tumors, a large tumor in her lung, and some of her bones, she continued to live. She traveled. She went to Hawaii, Jamaica, New York, Miami, Disney World, and a cruise to the Carribbean. She had plans to go to Australia, but she got too sick at that point.
Jenn had a goal in her life. One goal that she actively sought. She wanted to be loved. Not friendship love by friends, I believe she felt that kind of love. But, it was the elusive intimate love she wanted more than anything in this world. She had many relationships where she would fall hard in love. However, a lot of times, this love wasn't returned. She struggled with this for a long time. Being an adopted child with no father figure, she always knew seeking this love was a result of her upbringing. It was especially difficult for me to witness. I had the love of a man from the beginning of my diagnosis. I tried to understand, but it was always something that eluded me. Why try so hard for a man's love? Love yourself first. No man will ever give you the kind of love you are seeking. I think she wanted "approval love". The kind you can only feel from within. The old addage is true, you have to love yourself before anyone can love you.
Jenn met a man during this time in her life. His name was Malcolm. At first, he was everything she ever wanted. He showered her with attention, love, and intimacy. They went on 2 vacations together and she thouroughly enjoyed his company. But, there was somthing about him. He wouldn't completely give himself to her. Was it the cancer? Or, was it him? I had a bad feeling this guy was in it for the good times. Unfortunatley, after the trips, the dinners, gifts, and good times, he was gone. She had paid his way for a good time and he chose to date others, not fully becoming hers. I hated him. No, I despised him. While he was good for her for 2 months, the pain of losing him and not knowing if it was real, killed Jenn inside. But, like the fighter she was, she went on. She kept living. I admire her for that, among a lot of other things.

Jenn taught me to not be afraid to live. To keep on going even when you think you can't. To keep experiencing new things and never let anyone tell you what you like or want is wrong.
Jenn I celebrate your life and what you taught me every day. I hate that I can't talk to you anymore. I miss you and your crazy stories! You were always there for me and I only hope I am doing a good job at what you taught me. To live every day.....like it was your last.