My first entry

Where to start?
I guess at the beginning.....
Since this site is mainly for my cancer updates, I will start at the waaay beginning, 1998.

I was dx in Oct 1998 after feeling a pea-sized lump on my right breast. I was in nursing school at the time, 2 months from graduation. I went to "Planned Parenthood" and saw a 90 yr old nurse who told me it "may be something to look into further". I didn't waste a minute. Called a family physician and made an appointment ASAP. Another nurse told me, "Hmmm you are too young for breast cancer, but let's get it checked out for peace of mind".

Skip to after the mammogram.....

Got a message from the doctor's office. Medical assistant calls...."You have microcalc....ci...ci...fi....fications (chick had no idea how it was pronounced or what it was) in your breast and you need to go to a surgeon ASAP". FREAK OUT TIME....RUN TO COMPUTER TYPE IN 'MICROCALCIFICATIONS BREAST'....Not good. Cancer, cancer, cancer pops up everywhere on my screen. OK breathe, just a test, nothing set in stone.

Skip to picking up films and report....

Get films, whats in there, the report. Don't waste time, rip it open in the ladies room down the hall. Read report. OH NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD AT ALL. Words pop out, "Highly suspicious for malignancy" "See surgeon ASAP"

Skip to meeting with first surgeon....
HE is freaking out....I am laughing. Laughing in disbelief at the unprofessionalism of this man. He is trying to act normal, but he can't hide it, he knows. Says I have a 50/50 shot it's nothing. Tells me he sees this once a year in a young woman, I ask jokingly, "Have you seen her yet, or it that one ME?" Tries to get me into surgery the next day. I am not ready and I want another opinion.

Skip to second surgeon....
Same deal. HE is freaking.... He knows. My mom and I now know too. Still in disbelief, I schedule surgery.

Days that follow before the surgery. Reading, researching, sweating, crying, DENYING, screaming, mad, angry, scared, why, why, why???? Family is calling. Wish they'd stop! I can't deal with questions I don't have answers to.

Night before surgery. Scared and convinced I won't wake up after the surgery. Decide to let it all go and believe that Jesus will pull me through. Gave my life over to Him that night. Rested well and was completely prepared for anything.

Day of surgery. All went well, except for the biopsy that confirmed breast cancer. My dad told me the news. All he said was, "We have to go further". We sat and cried together. I don't know how I had the strength to get up and out of that bed, but I did.

Days that followed, more crying, more fear, more questions, more reading, DENIAL....
BUT, in the midst of it all was my beacon of hope, my ray of light. The man who would become my husband. How could I have started a new realtionship at this point in my life? How could he even want to meet me. I am chock full of issues. He still wants to meet and we go to a hockey game. I am in pain from the stitches from the biopsy, but I don't tell him. I am instantly in love. How wonderful, except in 2 weeks I have to have my breast cut off and then chemotherapy. How do I make it through this and keep him? The Lord is watching out for me.

Skip to the mastectomy. It's scary, but I make it through. I say goodbye to my ex-boyfriend of 7 yrs from my hospital bed. While he is there, I get a call. It's my new boyfriend. At that moment I see what is happening. CHANGE. Change is scary. I am ok with it though, I am ready to start a new chapter. How symbolic. I lose my breast and my ties to my ex as my new life is starting with that call from Derek. "I am concerned" Derek says, "I want you to be OK". I couldn't agree more.

The next day... Surgeon comes in. NOT GOOD NEWS. Seems I had some positive lymph nodes he wasn't expecting to find. The tumor was only 1.1cm. Small, but an aggressive little bugger. He has egg on his face, as my mom recalls. He admits he wasn't expecting to find any nodes with cancer. This is another ballgame now. Later I find out he should have taken them all. (Skip ahead a year I get more cancer to my nodes).

My stats are:
1.1 cm tumor of infiltrating ductal carcinoma, 2/6 nodes +, ER/PR strongly+, Her2+. I had a right Modified Radical Mastectomy, with Adriamycin, Cytoxan, and Taxol. Followed by, Tamoxifen for a year until I recurred...(see the rest of the story)

Chemo starts. Lots of bad times, but then lots of good ones too. It's almost in slow motion, yet it's happening so fast. I was living a dichotomy of the happiest, yet saddest time of my life. I have a great boyfriend. He spoils me. He loves me. I know we will be married someday. But, I am sick, and bald. Not sure I can ever have kids. It's not a stable time.

Skip to March 12, 1999. Chemo is almost over. Derek buys a house that we picked out Jan 2. We are in the backyard. Pepe, my Jack Russell, almost drowns in the pool. Derek saves him. We sit there with the wet scared dog, admiring the backyard. He gets on a knee and there it is. I am engaged. My bald head is full of excitement, and fear. Can I be a good wife, am I going to make him happy? I have lost my period. I hope I get it back. I want to give him a child.

Skip to the wedding. March 18, 2000. I have hair. I feel pretty. I feel loved. I am HAPPY!!!!

Skip to Aug 2000. NOT GOOD. Doctor finds a lump under my arm. MY NODES! It can't be. It JUST CAN'T. But it is. I am sunk. I am numb. Not again....

Yes, more chemo, radiation. Thinking back, that damned surgeon.
Now I know it's Her2+++. Aggressive as they come. This is the battle of my life. Please don't let it come back though. I can still live a normal life with this. It isn't the worst case. I can still have kids. I won't die young. Not with this kind of recurrence. Since I am Her2+++ I can have Herceptin. This is the miracle I have been waiting for. This drug has saved lives. I am glad I can take it.

Skip to next year. It's 2001, November. I am feeling great.... I am almost done with Herceptin (one year) I want to move on with my life. I want kids. OH NO NO NO NO. My tumor markers are up. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING AGAIN!
Tests, waiting, fear, helplessness, depression, DENIAL. But there it is. It's in my skull. SKULL? Does that mean brain? No. But it's stage IV now. No cure, no cure, no cure. DAMN. I was so close to getting pregnant. Just a few more months and we were moving on. I have Gamma Knife to my skull. It's a strong, targeted, radiation to the skull. It works. But, it's also in my spine, small, however it has to be dealt with. In retrospect it was there in Aug 2000, just too small to see. They compare it, and yes, it was there from 2000. OK, so now I am incurable. What does this mean? Well for one, more drugs. I am ER+/PR+. (Let's mess with her hormones. She won't need 'em. Shut off the periods, shut it all down.) MENOPAUSE AGAIN...I AM HOT HOT HOT with flashes....BUT, NO HELP. Things get worse. HELP! 8 months have passed and nothing has worked. From January 2002 to Sept 2002, I have had nothing except Herceptin working for me.

I get on Xeloda. Oral chemo, no hair loss. Good I can deal with that, just STOP THIS CANCER!

Xeloda works. Sept 2002- Dec 2003. I am safe for a little over a year. I feel good. I am alive. Grade it on a curve I am happy.

Dec 2003, markers rising. Not liking this. MRI's show growth. I have stopped responding. What's next. Let's try hormonals ONE MORE TIME. Chemo is bad for you, and since I had no pain anywhere no sense in throwing chemo at it. I am lucky I haven't had any pain. The cancer is now in a lot of my bones. All over spine... Have to take something or else things will rapidly progress. I take the hormonals again. Back in menopause for the 3rd time. It fails again. 5 months of failure.

It's June 2004. I can't walk. I have pain in my hip. I am using a cane. I am not liking this at all. For the first time in almost 6 years I feel the cancer. I know it's there, not just by seeing it in a scan, but feeling it in my body. It's affecting my way of life, now IT MUST DIE. I hit it with radiation and chemo. I take Doxil. It's Adriamycin, but kindler and gentler. It won't make my hair fall out or puke my guts up. Thank you!

I have been on this for 4 months now. The first check of the tumor markers show a BEAUTIFUL response, per my doctor. CA15-3 went from 400's to 200's. NICE! LISA LIKE. Those radiation beams kicked the heck out of it as well. I am walking fine. I still have achiness, but I am much, much better. I don't even take pain pills. Oh how I hate those!
I am on Aredia for the bones, to strengthen them because the cancer does it's damage. Aredia fills in eaten away bones. Nice, huh! I also, take the Herceptin and I am convinced I am still alive because of that. My heart has taken some abuse from this cardiotoxic cocktail. I trust the Lord and my doctors to watch me closely. I am in good hands!